Hi, my name is Six and I'm a victim of the vast left wing contraception conspiracy. Let me explain.
See, many years ago Lu and I decided that we were done having children. She'd had an implant but we were concerned that it might fail. That's when I fell into the vile clutches of the contraceptive crowd.
"It's easy, simple and painless" they said. "Contraception is also the man's responsibility" they said. "Vasectomy is quick, non-invasive and virtually guaranteed to work" they said. "Think of the worry and guilt free sex" they said. "Don't be a putz, get your plumb bobbed. Now" they said.
And, in my folly I listened. I allowed myself to be swayed and convinced by the heartless left and the evil Vasectomy/Contraception complex. I had 'the procedure' done and it wasn't quick, painless or non-invasive. It was eternities long, embarrassing as all get out and more than moderately painful. Not to mention the horrible sound of Snip Snip. Now my seed is gone. All the dozens of little Six offspring that will never be. How could they be so heartlessly cruel?
I've suffered, oh how I've suffered. Pain and Suffering if you will. Humiliation and lost income potential from reality TV. No Six + Six + Six on Bravo for me. And my sex life. Altered beyond description. Casual tumbles in the hay. Impromptu dalliances on the kitchen table. Harsh demands from a wife no longer concerned about fertility, just her own carnal lusts and desires. Yes, all that and so much more. How can it be borne?
And I have seen the faces of my fellow men. The pale, wan, drained looks that tell the tale of unspeakable late night bedroom horrors. Tired, always tired. I've seen them at the mall, those sad empty nesters, frittering away their free income on baubles and shame. Addicted to the quick rush of new cars and jewelry and quiet evenings out to dinner. Ah, the ignominy.
Where is Oprah? Where is Michelle to comfort us and speak soothing words and whisper to us that we're not alone? Where is the outrage and Congressional hearings and the tears of the downtrodden and over sexed men who have been blatantly taken advantage of by their unfeeling wives as seen on CNN with commentary by Wolf Blitzer? More importantly, where is the money?
But there has been no money, no sympathy, no national stage to express our victimhood. I say no more! I refuse to allow the big Democrat Vasectomy/Contraception cartel to silence me any longer. I've been hurt, injured beyond a cure. Except maybe a little cash. That might ease my pain. But only slightly and really it's not about the money anyway. It's just a metaphor for my suffering, indeed the suffering of millions of other men out there just like me. Sad, abused, sleep deprived and utterly spent. Cash or Cashiers check only.
Years after the act of mutilation that was done upon my fragile person by a doctor (who was doubtless in league with the Evil and heartless Democratic Party) I still suffer pain. My balls, yes my very own precious balls, still hurt from time to time. Reminders of the ravages perpetrated against me in the name of contraception and casual sex. Will no one feel my pain? Oh Bill Clinton, where art thou? Won't you speak for me Sandra?
That's why I demand immediate reparations as well as free access to reproductive health care (Paid for by my employer and since I'm no longer employed then by someone else. Anyone else. I'm looking at you here). It's only fair and after all it's my right to be compensated for my sadness, pain and all those times I was required, yea verily forced, to perform sexually for a wife who now views me as nothing more than a piece of meat there to satisfy her every disgusting whim and perversion. The money I spent on Playboy and Penthouse Forum (Those stories are all totally true). The time I spent reading the Kama Sutra and viewing online porn. That stuff's not free you know. Someone has to pay and it sure ain't gonna be me!
So I appeal to the president and Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. Succor me and my brethren lest we die at the hands of our middle aged wives who are only now coming into their peak sexual years and have been eyeballing us all day with that look in their eyes. I want my vasectomy reversed so she'll keep her hands off me and let me get some sleep.
Well, not really but I do want the money. I can always hire her a boy toy but I ain't having no more kids! But don't let that put you off. I'm sincere. I swear.