Bald Head Care - Or Why I DO NOT Need A Keeper

I'm bald. I am a bald man. I suffer from the heartbreak of male pattern baldness. I have no hair if you're not getting the gist here. I'm Ok with it. I can stick my head out a car window with nary a muss. A washrag is my comb. My 'hair product' consists of soap and...well just soap I guess. And none of that fru fru stuff either. Man soap like Lava and Lye. Good, take it down to the Hypodermis and make it bleed soap.

Of course there are some drawbacks. In the interest of education for all you who are contemplating male pattern baldness for fun and profit yourself I present my Guide To Hairless Head Safety.

First off you'll need to choose the manner in which you render your scalp hirsuteless. Yeah, you can go down to the local barbershop (not a salon mind you, those people are completely humorless about hairlessness) and spend hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars rendering your noggin smooth as a baby's posterior but why bother when you can easily accomplish the same thing from the comfort of your very own home and at a fraction of the cost.

There is a wide variety of razor choices out there. I recommend doing your homework. After you're done with that you can go ahead and pick out a razor. Hey, education is everything right? Here are the only choices available based on my exhaustive and thorough research consisting of seeing what I had in the house and taking pictures of them.

No. Absolutely not. These are weapons of mass destruction used only by deranged barbers who also dabble in bleeding as a cure for Lanchonophobia. Many an ear or other head protrusion has fallen victim to these implements of horror. Plus your wife may decide to 'help' you with your shave using one of these whilst harboring resentment because you still haven't taken out the garbage. Not a goof idea.

Better but still has some drawbacks. Primarily it takes off hair like a politician listens to his constituents, which is to say not at all. If the hair is longer than .0005 centimeters (.0000725 hectares) you might as well just shout at it for all the good an electric shaver will do. It is a good time waster though if you're trying to avoid an odious chose. Like taking out the garbage.

Correct. A modern safety razor. Mine only has three blades and I think the newest ones have about seventeen but even a measly three blades will do the job nicely and more importantly do so while leaving the maximum levels of skin still attached to your skull. Always a good thing.

Ok, we have the proper instrument for reducing our pumpkin to Michael Jordan levels of hair containment. Now what? Well of course shaving your head. That's obvious but way too boring to write about in detail here. I'm a busy guy and I can't just go around talking about the mechanics of head shaving for whole paragraphs and stuff. I've got beer in the fridge and it certainly won't drink itself. So, let's take the shaving bit as done and move on shall we?

Head care. Now we're getting to the meat of the issue. See, your head is less like this

And more like this

Eggs are surprisingly hard and durable. Unless struck with something harder and more durable like a hammer of course but that goes without saying. No, your melon is more like an Orange. Roundish with bumps and crevices and all sorts of delicate bits. It will also not respond well to a hammer but, unlike an egg, it also won't respond well to sharp things as we shall see shortly. Keep this in mind. There will be a test at the end of this post. Oranges not Eggs.

Once your head is deprived of it's natural and beautiful covering of fur like substances you must take special care to avoid certain commonly occurring situations and objects. Like the Sun. I recommend a good sunscreen with a minimum SPF of 5000. For a newly shorn cabeza 45 just isn't going to do it. If you can't find SPF in the thousand range I recommend multiple applications of whatever you can find in your medicine cabinet. Maybe a hundred or so layers but experimentation will help you here. Remember, if it won't protect against Uranium 235 you probably need another coat or two. Actually, automotive paint wouldn't be too much. A good Spackle knife will work wonders here.

Head coverings are crucial. I know, you just shaved your head and want to show it off in all it's pale, waxy glory but think safety first here. It's far more important to keep the scalp lacerations down to a minimum rather than impressing the ladies with your hard boiled detective routine. Here's my recommendations on protective head wear. Remember, these are just my choices but I think you'll find them pretty much all encompassing and obviously the best due to my just having said so.

Maybe. If you want to look like a complete goober. Fortunately I do so I have these in a variety of shapes, styles and colors. Nothing says 'Hey, I'm excellent potential DNA doner material' to the ladies like one of these bad boys.

My normal, routine, daily wear. I have them in black and blue so dark it looks like black. Hey, variety is the spice of life. Plus they're really hot in the Summer so I've got that going for me. Nothing sexier than head sweat I always say.

You may be asking yourself this question. "I know Six is awesome and knowledgeable and handsome and all but why is he talking about hats? And why am I still reading this drivel anyway? I have better things to do like take out the garbage as my lovely and has no access to sharp things wife asked me to weeks ago." It's a good question and I'll answer it even though it's not yet time for the QandA section. Hats are important to those of us who ascribe to the Alopecia Universalis lifestyle because of things like this.

Low hanging objects, or 'Idiot Detection Devices', are a constant hazard to the less hirsute. Especially those of us who suffer from Moronic Melonitus Conkus Syndrome which causes us to incessantly bang into things we have seen approximately 10 billion times before and which any 5 year old could avoid with ease. Through no fault of our own I'd add. I'd like that on the record here because at this point some of you may be considering the idea that I might need a full time keeper. I don't, I just need a larger cranial capacity. And a good football helmet. But I digress, we were talking about hats here. Why hats? Why indeed.

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea.

I hope anyone considering head shaving as a substitute for toupees, combovers, hair transplants and wearing a dead cat on your head have found this missive useful. I support you completely and can definitely testify to the benefits of going topless, as it were. If you're one of those who is cursed with a full head of thick, luxuriant, beautiful hair I can only convey my envy condolences.

I hate you. Uh, I mean love. Right, that's it. I love you in that whole wishing for incontinent pigeons to fly over you daily way.

As for me. I am comforted by this thought. If I'd have known him Telly Savalas would have been my best friend. I swear.

Six

Buffoonery

As many of you know I am a bit....accident prone. I tend to fall off things and generally hurt myself like I have a grudge against me. I've always thought I was maybe just passive aggressive toward myself but lately I've come to suspect I may actually be stupid.

So the other day Lu and I were in the covered porch putting in a ceiling fan and a light fixture. No problem, right in my wheelhouse. The fan went in neat as can be and it was time for the light fixture. All was well until I had to make a critical decision; what part of my body to try and get between my more important bits and the concrete floor. Let me explain.

Take a look at this picture.

On the right we see a step ladder. On the left we see a wooden box set up on end so it's even less stable than one would otherwise suspect. Which one would you choose to stand on while working on a ceiling fixture? Of course the box. Right? Right?

See, I was actually doing the wrong thing and using that step ladder even though the box was right there. At one point I needed to get to a screw on the opposite side that I was working on. And that box was right there, looking all platformish and everything. I could have gotten down and moved the ladder but that would have meant walking down two steps and then lifting the ladder, that clearly weighs many hundreds of grams, moving it to a completely new location at least three feet from where it was and then going back up the two steps. And again, the box was right there doing absolutely nothing to assist in my endeavor to bring light to dark places. Talk about slacking. So I decided that the easiest, indeed the best, thing to do was to step from the ladder to the box. What could possibly go wrong?

As I put one foot on the box I noticed that it was actually a little wobbly. Not in that 'Weebils Wobble But They Don't Fall Down' way but rather in an alarming way if one possesses an ounce of common sense. Which I am happy to say I do not. Common Sense is not Manly after all and I am nothing if not a slave to social norms. Alarum notwithstanding.

One foot now firmly ensconced on the box I began to put more weight on it, preparatory to transferring the bulk of my...bulk onto it. I must admit that the box not only continued to show that it was less than pleased at the idea of trying to bear my weight but actually began to oscillate slightly, as if it were a very small horse being confronted by a very fat rider. I am almost certain I heard a disembodied voice saying "You have got to be kidding!"

Undeterred and trusting to my cat like reflexes honed over decades of drinking beer while watching the X Games, I continued the process of stepping onto The Box as I have since come to think of it. At one point I had most of my weight on The Box and was just beginning to lift my trailing foot for the final move that would see me triumphantly standing upright upon The Box and in position to get at that recalcitrant screw without having to get down and move the ladder when disaster struck. Totally and, I'd like to stress this point, without any warning at all except for the wild gyrations and aforementioned tiny horse bucking motions.

As I stepped fully onto it, The Box began to sway to and fro and then suddenly toppled and generally collapsed. As it did so I found myself suspended in the air, Wily Coyote like, and had time to consider mistakes made and my imminent demise. It's funny how time slows down when one has committed a buffoonery of that magnitude. One that is certainly going to be at the very least painful if not downright hazardous. There I was, hanging in the air with nothing below me except a whole lotta empty and facing sharp, hurty things on the nice hard concrete floor. If I'd had a sign saying "EGADS" I'd have had plenty of time to deploy it before disappearing in a small cloud of fear, regret and exclamation points. I even had time for a nice long contemplative interior monologue with myself. It involved me, my Common Sense and my Ego with my ID and Super Ego off to one side taking bets on the outcome.

Me: Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap!
Ego: Oh Man, I hope Lu isn't looking because this is really gonna make us look like goobers.
Common Sense (CP): I told you this was a bad idea!
Ego: Oh great. Now you show up. Where were you a minute ago when this disaster could have been avoided?
CS: Hey, I was busy. You try and pay attention to everything while this oaf works around electricity. I had better things to do what with the whole trying to keep us from being electrocuted thing and all. Besides, you know he doesn't like me and never listens to my words of wisdom. The putz.
Ego: Great. You saved us from having a bad hair day when we don't even have any hair and now we're about to make a nice fat hole in that concrete floor with our body. Nice work genius.
CS: You can criticize or you can join me in unconsciousness 'cause this is really gonna hurt.
Ego: Right. Off we go.
ID: Four to One he cries.
Super Ego: Five to One he cries and pees himself!
Me: Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap!

My subconscious voices having taken a powder it was now up to my still conscious self to deal with my impending doom. All the way down to the ground the only thing I could do was to wonder what my obituary was going to say.

Local bald man loses life in hilarious buffoonery. Wife confirmed to be mortified with embarrassment. "I always knew he'd go that way. What a Maroon." she is said to have remarked.

Finally, almost mercifully,  I came crashing back down to earth. The world shuddered.  I could see a mushroom cloud of dust rising to the heavens in a surprisingly body like shape and hear the sound of various objects I had taken with me on my meteoric descent striking the concrete around me. I lay there for a minute, contemplating the state of my body and wondering if my wife had witnessed the scene and if she was horrified. I needn't have worried. I heard a soft voice cut through the haze of distress and chagrin. "You Ok there Evel?" I am quite certain I heard a tinge of laughter.

See, Lu has learned, over a lifetime of watching me hurt myself in various incredible and humor inducing ways, to look for certain signs of real injury. Limbs misaligned, stuff sticking out where such isn't supposed to be and blood actively spurting from large, open wounds. Absent those things chances are high that I've suffered little more than bruises to both body and pride. Many is the time she's remarked, "Um, you know you're bleeding right?" Only to have me say "I am? Where?" Followed by a quick search for the offending bleeding body part and her pointing it out with raised eyebrows and an exasperated huff. Yeah, she doesn't even bat an eye any more. Except to giggle of course because what's a truly spectacular catastrophe without the attending laughter such engenders?

I lay on the ground for a few minutes, gratefully considering that I had yet again cheated the Grim Reaper and survived another madcap misadventure. I managed to roll myself over and regain my feet, there to check myself over and conform that the worst had indeed been avoided. Yep, all bits still attached and generally pointing in the correct direction. Various twinges and scrapes but it seemed that I would live to again tempt fate at some future date. Hopefully not too soon. Lu was standing near, offering a helping hand and striving heroically not to laugh out loud. And mostly failing. She did take me into the house, put me in my chair and deliver a handful of Tylenol. She even cooed at me the rest of the day and inquired as to my state of being several times. I of course maintained my manly facade and resisted all temptations to milk the situation for more sympathy than I was due. That limp was totally not faked, I swear. I only cried a little and never peed myself even once. I think my Super Ego is out five bucks so there's that.

So in spite of suffering yet another calamity that was totally not my fault I have learned a great and profound lesson from all this. Next time I get it right. Next time I listen to my Common Sense. Next time failure is not an option.

Next time I start from the box.

What could possibly go wrong?

Six

Bike Rack

Lu and I are avid bicyclists, both on and off road. We currently have bikes for both disciplines which means four bicycles to store when not in use. My garage/shop is 32 feet long but only 14 wide. Which means it can tend to be a bit crowded. Especially when one is hip deep in a complete house renovation that will take a year and a lot of tools and materials. Yes, I am a bit...disorganized. I needed to get those bikes out of the way and off my floor.

Time for a bike rack. But for anyone who knows me or has read my DIY project write ups you know I don't go for simple. Oh no. Complex and needlessly difficult are my hallmarks. So.

I decided the bikes would fit best on a wall so I started with a 4x8 sheet of Oriented Strand Board (OSB). I mounted it against a wall. This will form the base of my Bicycle Storage System. Note the adjacent shelf for bicycle paraphernalia such as tubes, helmets, etc. Later I'll get a bike vise which will go on the other side of the rack.

Ok. I wanted to hang the bikes on a hook system mounted to the OSB. I went with rebar because it's both easy to work with and very cheap. In fact the local steel shop had an 8 foot length laying around that they gave me for free. I wanted 3/8s but this is 1/2. Hey free is free.

First up, a way to mount the rebar hooks to the OSB. I cut and welded two Z hooks together. (Yes, that is my case tumbler back there. I do my case cleaning outside. See Brigid? I actually listened to your good advice. Proof that old dogs really can learn new tricks.). Please bear in mind that my welding is pretty much the same as my view on life. Bull your way through and more is better. Pretty my welds are not but I get there by sheer exuberance and stubbornness. Besides, I have a perfectly good grinder right there.

I measured how far up the OSB I needed the rack to be and drilled two 3/4 inch holes. The Z brackets fit into the holes and lock down with the weight of the bikes.

I test fitted the brackets to make sure I got it right and measured for a small nub at the bottom which will keep the bracket parallel to the OSB.

The final brackets.

And this is how they look installed. The top of the Z bracket locks in to the back of the OSB and holds everything up. Very secure.

From there I welded in a cross piece to tie the two brackets together and give me a way to mount the hooks for the bikes.

Time for the hooks. I wanted 3/8s rebar so I could bend some J hooks. I got 1/2 inch instead. And my oxygen tank is currently empty. And I have absolutely zero patience. And I love to weld. And I'm not the brightest light in the night sky. So I cut and welded up four J-ish hooks instead and then welded them to the cross bar in the mount.

Here's the finished rack mounted to the OSB. Note that the two hooks on the left face right and the two on the right face left. They're also at slightly different angles to limit bicycle entanglement when they're all mounted. I wrapped the J-hooks with black electrical tape because it works well and I'm really cheap. The hooks are at a height that Lu can easily access. She's a shortie you know. Love you sweetie :)

Time to try it out. The bike wheel hooks under the J-hook and both tires lay flat against the OSB. This is our biggest bicycle (No fat guy jokes!) so if the hooks hold it they'll hold the others easily.

It all looked good so it was time to put it to the real test. All four bikes. They go in alternating rear and front wheels in the J-hooks so everything fits neatly.

Not too bad. I'm able to fit in 4 full sized bicycles in a four foot wide space that only juts into my garage about another four feet. Some of you who are sharper eyed may notice that the top of the OSB is leaning out just a bit. That was an oversight on my part. The center two cross braces in the building framing are 4 inches while the top is 2. I later corrected it by putting two long bolts through the top of the OSB and into the top brace. The top is now straight and supported.

All in all I'm pleased with how it turned out. It may not be the most elegant design and it certainly could be done better but it works well and cost me a grand total of 8 bucks for the OSB and a couple of hours of time. The bikes are easy to mount and take down and keep them away from the main shop area.

Of course there's costs and then there's costs. Remember kids, welded stuff gets kinda hot. Best not to touch it. Or blunder stupidly into it whilst tripping over crap you've left on the floor. Not that that's what happened to me. Nope. Just saying is all.

Hey, if I didn't bleed while doing it it's not a true Six project.

Six

Fence Building Is Painful When You're Stupid

After some delays I've finally got the stringers in. The stupid part? I'll get to that momentarily.

But first an Angus picture. Just to get you in a good mood.

Ok. Stringers. There's two ways to do this. Level or parallel. Level is self explanatory. Use a spirit level on each stringer. The problem comes in when the ground isn't level. My lot slopes gently up from back to front. It's not a lot but it is there. If I simply make each stringer level the stringers will be off in height by about 3 inches when comparing the first post to the last and will be obvious when the fence boards are installed. For me, in this instance, parallel is the better choice. Instead of making the stringers each level I measured up from the ground on the first and last post to the point where I wanted the top stringer to go and then ran another line. It looks like this.

From there I used the old Mark 1 Eyeball and lined up the string starting at the middle again and working out so the line was straight and true for it's length. I stapled the line to each post to make sure it didn't sag and throw me off.

Here's a look at what I'm talking about. The string level is a bit hard to see but if you look closely you'll see the bubble is just a bit off, indicating the line isn't perfectly level. That's Ok, in fact it's exactly what I wanted. It'll all work out as you'll see in a minute.

This is a fence stringer hanger. It's screwed into the post. The stringer ends fit into the hanger and get screwed to it in turn. I used the line I ran earlier to set each of the top hangers.

Once all the hangers were on I set each of the top stringers. I then checked visually to ensure they were parallel to the ground. The eye is naturally drawn to things that are out of square which is why I chose to hang them the way I did. They won't be visible from the fence side but they will be from the house side and if they're off, even by the three inches I mentioned, it'll completely ruin the line of the fence and look terrible.

You can see here that the stringer is parallel to the ground and looks correct. Of course there is one problem here. Can you spot it because I sure didn't. Until it was too late. Far too late.

See, I set the top stringers at 5 1/2 feet from the ground. When you're 6 feet tall and walking toward the fence with your head down (Lu said with it up my fourth point of contact) the stringer is just about nose height. How do I know? This is how I know.

So there I was, minding my own business when suddenly, and completely without warning, someone hit me across the face with a pressure treated 2x4. Anyone who says I stupidly walked into the fence is totally lying. I swear. The impact wrenched my head back and sprained my neck. I didn't see stars but I did see black for a few seconds there. I thought for a few minutes I had actually broken my nose. The blood ran out like someone had installed a sinus spigot and turned it on to full.

This is the next day, after it'd had time to scab over a bit. Looks painful huh? Yep, mighty painful. Abject lessons often are. Somebody needs to find whoever's responsible for this and lock him away in a rubber room. What a maroon.

So I gave myself the rest of the day as well as Sunday off. Without pay of course. I started up again today.

After getting the rest of the top stringers installed (and the blood cleaned off one in particular) I used them to set the next two rows. I measured down from the top stringer 2 feet and 4 feet and marked the post. I used those marks to set the hangers for those rows of stringers.

From there it was a simple matter of putting in the rest of the stringers. I put each stringer in crown up (with one obvious exception, darn it) so as they settle they'll more firmly press their butt ends into the post and end up straight without me having to fudge them as I install the fence boards.

Finally done! All the stringers are set and the skeleton is ready for boards. Each is parallel with the others and the look is visually pleasing.

Is it straight? Not too bad if I do say so myself. There's that one board I put in upside down. I'm trying to decide which fix requires the least effort on my part. Re-doing it or fudging. Since it's covered by the garage I may go total lazy sleazoid and just pretend I never saw it. What?

Lu and I went down and picked up the boards for the actual fencing. One hundred eighty 5 1/2' x 5/8" x 6' boards. Tomorrow I'll top the posts to a uniform height and start installing the boards.

I figure we'll come in at right about $800 for the 80 foot run which isn't too bad. Hey, I figure I'm buying myself some new toys by doing it myself and I hate to pay someone else to do things I can do.

Of course there is that nose to consider. There's still plenty of opportunity left for buffoonery.

Six

Now, This Looks Like Fun

To watch anyway. UTB, Ultimate Tak Ball. Looks like an unholy mix of football, soccer and rugby with stun guns thrown in just for that added chance to really hurt someone. They talk about Tasers but what I saw was actually stun guns. Still, I've been hit with a stun gun and it does hurt.



So, who's up for a game?

Six

For Brigid. In Sympathy

Recently Brigid blew out a knee and just had surgery. My thoughts and prayers go out to her but I wanted to show my support in a more tangible way. She's too far away for me to bring over a dish or take Barkley for a walk so I'm left with morale support.

I'm so sorry you got injured Brigid and I know you've been under the knife a time or two before this but I wanted you to know.

I feel your pain.

Cool pants eh? That picture was taken in May, 2006 right after my surgery for a completely blown Achilles tendon. My toes were swollen up like 10 little Vienna sausages. My hands developed massive callouses from the crutches. It took me 5 months to get released to light duty and a year before I went back to patrol. More pics here.    
Hang in there Brigid. Let your friends and loved ones help. Do your rehab and everything the nice doctor says. And remember;

You're not old you're just in need of a tune up.

Get well soon!!

Six

A friend Could Use Some Love

The Redneckengineer is going through something intensely personal and painful and could use a prayer and some well wishes. Hang in there brother.
Six