Request For Reevaluation Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bureaucracy

Well kinda. I was perusing the blogs today (you know I read all of you every day right? So write good.) and ran across a good post by DaddyBear. It was a comment there that got me thinking, always a dangerous thing. My hair is still smouldering. What hair I have. It was a very small fire. Go read the post and comments and you'll know which one I'm talking about.

I've written about using the word Fire in a theater before so my views on fatuous arguments is pretty well known. Now the ridiculous equating of licensing drivers and gun owners is being tossed around again. Man, how I wish this idiocy would just go away. Or the idiots. Either way.

First of all there's nothing in the Constitution about driving. It's considered a privilege and not a right. In most every state I know about when you're licensed to drive you also agree to provide a sample of your blood (Ouch), breath (Whew) and/or urine (Icky) when so requested by competent law enforcement authority having probable cause to take you forthwith to the hoosegow for driving while under the influence of intoxicating substances (or having reasonable suspicion to suspect you of the same). It's called Implied Consent and it's a wicked pisser (Yes, I do watch too much TV). You are subject to separate penalties for violation of that in addition to anything that might be levied on the DUI charge. Think cash and roadside trash detail here. Drivers Licenses can be suspended for a wide variety of things ranging from excessive moving violations (slow down you damn kids!) to being uninsured. Go to a DMV hearing sometime. Judicial they ain't. The hearing officer can basically take your license away for most anything they want and there's little or no appeals process. Do try to not piss off the hearing officer. They're grouchy. Do get a lawyer (though in many cases a lawyer isn't allowed. How's that due process working out for ya?) and maybe a payday load cause you're gonna need lots of both kids. All that is because a drivers license isn't considered property. You have no expectation nor property right to it. It's a privilege and the state can basically remove yours about any time they take a hankering to and they usually take a hankering basically anytime the shark is feeling peckish. Which is always. You can even lose your drivers license for being in arrears on your child support payments. Because they can, that's why.

On the other hand guns are a property right and their possession is actually enumerated in the Bill of Rights. Rights versus Privileges. See how that works? Requiring the licensing of gun owners is akin to requiring me to get a religion license before I can possess a Bible. Or a Torah. Or a Qur'an. It's an onerous and undue infringement on my right to keep and bear arms and makes such dependent on bureaucratic governmental approval or denial. Someone wants to create a DMV division of the BATFE. Please excuse me whilst I run screaming from the room at the thought. Will I have to parallel park while simultaneously clearing a malfunction on my Sig, reciting the Four Rules and playing 'Spot The Carjacker' with the proctor? What if I fail because the sun was in my eyes and the radio was tuned to that station that only plays Elton John when I only listen to AC/DC when I'm drivey/shooty and I was really thinking about that outfit Lu was wearing earlier and how much I was looking forward to getting home and convincing her to no longer be wearing it (if you know what I mean and I think you do) and my fingers were felling particularly fat and fumbly that day? Will I then have to appear before a hearing officer in DATFMV (Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Motor Vehicles) office to argue my case? What about lawyers? Does Due Process come into play? What constitutes a fair test and pass/fail scores? Who makes my local up the test? Will it be open book? Will I have to touch it? (Get your minds out of the gutter. I was talking about the gun. Perverts). Are there separate tests for rifle, pistol and shotguns? Are silencers and automatics like big rigs? Will I have to fill out a log book and keep track of rounds fired and how much sleep I've had in the last 24 hours of shooting? Who decides all this stuff?

See, here's the thing. Government does what government does. That is regulate everything under the sun and charge fees for applications, licenses and permissions for anything and everything they can sink their bureaucratic teeth into. Subject to petty tyrants bringing their bad days at home to work with them of course. How humiliating is it to find yourself on your knees begging the angry DMV clerk to please accept your paperwork instead of sending you back to Line 73 which currently stretches out the door and down the block with a wait time measured by calendar because you misspelled penis (Hint: It's the answer to question 137. What are you compensating for?)? Who wants more of that? Oh, right.

On the gripping hand, be careful what you wish for. Let me provide an anecdotal example of why this is such a bad idea. besides the obvious "It's unconstitutional Weasel Boy" one of course. Back in the day, when I wore a blue suit and did cool stuff, I used to do traffic enforcement while riding really cool motorcycles and looking like totally bitchin' and stuff. Yeah, I know. I was as hated as Al Gore at Republican Broadcasters convention. Stay with me here for a minute, I do have a point. And no, it's not the one on top of my head. Though my head is remarkably pointy shaped. But enough of that, back to the story. Among those duties was to evaluate drivers that were suspected of...let's just say of being automotively challenged and leave it at that. There was a form to fill out which included the driver's information, my information and why they were being referred. It was called a Request For Reevaluation and could either be Emergency (Great jumpin' Jehoshaphat Margarete, you need to evaluate this guy like yesterday! I mean it! He's a menace! Hey are you listening? AAIIEE!!) and just regular (Whenever you get a free minute there Skippy). Either way the driver was supposed to be called into DMV and actually, you know, have their ability to successfully pilot a four thousand pound motor vehicle on America's highways and byways reevaluated. Hey, it's right there in the form and everything! In 24 years I wrote hundreds of them. Hundreds I tell you. It's surprising how many folks out there have issues driving a car. I mean bouncing off parked cars while careening out of control down the street and nearly running down pedestrians who were minding their own business in their back yards kind of issues with driving. Or maybe not so surprising. I mean, you've been out there. Would you trust those people with your life? I thought not. Anyway. In all those years not a one ever had their license revoked. I never even got called in to DMV for a revocation hearing. I've seen a 93 year old driver hit 14 parked cars and three trees on her way downtown to the Farmer's Market and who had not a single clue anything untoward had occurred. Kept her license. Hell, that was 15 years ago and as far as I know she still has it (and a high deductible insurance policy I'm sure). I had a UPS driver pass out behind the wheel of his Big Brown Truck for reasons unknown and run off the road leaving a path of total destruction in his wake. Yep, kept his license. There were more, oh so depressingly many more. Like the gal who failed to see it and ended up in the middle of Lake El Estero. Had no idea the lake was there in spite of living in that city her whole life. Or the guy who decided the Rec Trail was just a really narrow street and what the hell are all these pedestrians and bicyclists doing in the middle of the damn road!? I've seen trees run right out into the street and then magically teleport themselves, with the car still wrapped around the trunk, right back into the grove. No idea how that happened officer. I swear. Parked cars that suddenly appeared right in front of motorists. Pedestrians who unexpectedly dropped their cloaks on invisibility just as the driver was passing on the sidewalk. The guy...well, you get the idea. None of them ever lost their driving privilege. Nary a one. If you believe my coworkers (and why wouldn't you. They're a great bunch of folks. Why the hate? Oh yeah. That whole ticket thing. Right. My bad.) none of them ever saw a driver suspended either. We may have been wrong on occasion but not every time. My point? Oh right, I was building up to something wasn't I? It's just this. Bureaucracies tend to be capricious and make frustratingly random decisions. There's no rhyme and little reason. Decisions seem to be made by way of Magic 8 Balls, fortune cookies, Ouija Boards and Lunar cycles (Full Moon Madness FTW!!). Anyone on the gun control side who thinks those people can be depended on needs to quit smoking crabgrass. That stuff will rot your brain.

I got just the answer. How about No? That's simple and easily understood, even for those who are logic challenged. I like that word. I may even love it. Short and to the point. No. N. O. Don't be shy, say it with me. No. It just rolls off the tongue. It's satisfying with no aftertaste and none of that next day "Oh Lord, who is this and what have I done?" regret. Those who insist on Conversation, Compromise and Common Sense (The three C's of gun control) should get very used to the idea of hearing it frequently and sometimes vehemently. I am not putting my civil rights, any of them, into the hands of people who think spinning the Big Wheel 'O Hilarious Outcomes is an acceptable method of decision making.

Can I get an Amen from the back row? Thank you brothers and sisters.

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Bob Costas Calls For End Of Car Culture

A tragedy occurred this morning as another life was senselessly ended by an intoxicated driver. You can read the story here. The driver and deceased passenger were both football players for the Dallas Cowboys. The driver was apparently impaired. This is truly a sad and horrific time for two families and our hearts and prayers go out to all affected.

However.

Luckily for all of us two sports reporters were immediately on the story and have rendered us the benefit of their extensive and exhaustive expertise on the issue of accident fatalities.

When he heard the news Bob Costas immediately decried the "Car Culture" and stated that there was no doubt in his mind that if only that player had not possessed a motor vehicle his teammate would surely be alive.

Jason Whitlock called the AAA the modern KKK of the blacktop. "America’s Car Culture is out of control, dangerous and a threat to our liberty."

We all know that the evil Car Owners and their paid mouthpieces will never voluntarily give up their overly powerful 4 wheeled instruments of death. No one needs a car with enough horsepower to kill large numbers of other motorists with a single acceleration. We must have a national conversation on common sense car control. Anyone can buy dangerous cars through the unregulated Used Car Cartels and uncontrolled private sellers which allows even felons and those with prior DUI arrests easy access to these instruments of death. No background checks are required which means that even those who have a history of mental imbalance can drive on the streets of America. Where our children walk and play every day. For crying out loud even people with no drivers licenses are allowed to buy an car with which they can mow down the unsuspecting citizens with no limits. The founding fathers never intended for such powerful instruments to be in the hands of the general population. If you want to get from place to place do as they did and get a horse.

Thank our lucky stars that we have these two stalwarts of safety and reasonableness to shepherd us through these difficult times. Thank you Bob and Jason for your even handed and unbiased reporting. What would we do without you?

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Now, This Looks Like Fun

To watch anyway. UTB, Ultimate Tak Ball. Looks like an unholy mix of football, soccer and rugby with stun guns thrown in just for that added chance to really hurt someone. They talk about Tasers but what I saw was actually stun guns. Still, I've been hit with a stun gun and it does hurt.



So, who's up for a game?

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You Can't Camoflage Stupidity

From the "If they were smart we'd never catch them" comedy criminal file we have Ghillie Boy. GB apparently had the brilliant idea of wearing a Ghillie Suit to a burglary. Just in case the PoPo came rolling by. He apparently forgot that whole dogs-can-smell-really-good thing. He might should have done just a little more research into the local constabulary force and their K-9 program. (Psst GB. They have one.) Add in the fact that the room he was breaking into did not have access to his target building and we have a criminal who needs to be in jail for his own safety.

Here's our no doubt future Darwin Award winner in full weedy regalia. I would have given a months salary to have put the cuffs on this guy.

My absolute favorite quote from the article:

Until a police dog noticed a patch of turf acting in a manner very much unlike most grass. The dog bit down bit down on the grass and the grass responded with a yelp.

That's a 6P* Fail coupled with a heavy dose of "That really, really hurts". I hope his handler gave that K-9 a mouth rinse afterward. Stupidity of that magnitude might be contagious.

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*Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance

I Am The One Percent

The occupy Wall Street protests go on. I'm not linking to any of those organizations responsible but you've no doubt seen plenty of coverage. Whilst perusing Ace I saw a couple of pictures referring to the 99 Percent. I had to chuckle. I went on the interwebs and found some more.

First up some "I am the 99 Percent" stories.

I have a certain amount of sympathy for vets. I know the problems they face upon return but many thousands have managed to return to civilian life and find paying work in less than a year. If you're a vet who needs work I empathize. In all seriousness please drop me a line. The Sarge, The DO and I will find work for you. Joining this rabble does you no good. They despise you and will turn on you in a New York minute the instant you're no longer of value to them. We love you and will honestly help.

This genius didn't even bother writing out his sad story on blank paper or poster board. Oh those wacky Socialist Party USA folks.

We ran into some financial issues recently. Nothing Earth shattering just some difficulties. My wife decided to go back to work and take on a new client. Elapsed time to accomplishing both of those goals? 1 week. Don't tell me it can't be done. If you're jobless it's because you believe there are jobs that are beneath you.

If you're in debt it's because of a series of choices you made not because someone forced you to sign the papers at gun point.

Uh, 2008 was like 3 years ago. See my advice above. Quit whining and start knocking on doors and dropping applications. I'll bet you I can find you a job in a hell of a lot less time than 3 years. You might not like the work but it'll be honest and will let you retain your dignity.

Let me tell all you students a little story. Pay attention children, an adult is speaking here and you may learn something. My daughter (The DO) chose to obtain her Associates degree through the local Community College. It satisfies most of the basic requirements for a four year college and she got to stay at home while she attended. She also did well enough in High School to get a scholarship that covered almost the entire expense. She worked part time, studied hard and graduated right on time. She's currently working toward her Bachelors. Her Air Force husband is working on his Masters while serving his country and taking care of his family. When he's done he'll be educated, experienced and imminently employable on the civilian or government (think 3 letter agency) market. They're not only not in debt but doing quite well financially due to their hard work, common sense and spendthrift attitudes. They buy nothing they can't pay for not do they ask someone else to take on any debt they may accrue. See how that works? If they can do it so can you. If you're in debt with student loans that was a choice you made. If you thought that money was free it's because you're a moron not because of the system. You signed the papers so you knew and agreed to the terms.

The organizers and protesters seem to think 99 percent of America is just like them.

And of course it's not limited to just New York. Coming soon to a city near you.

Now most of you know that the term 'One Percenter' refers to patched members of outlaw motorcycle gangs. It's often displayed on patches and tattoos as 1% er. It's a reference to an alleged comment by the AMA that 99 percent of riders were law abiding (the AMA denies they ever said it). It's purely gang theater, sort of a 'Me Too' badge worn by thugs, losers and the criminally insane. No, don't want to go there. Still, I just can't resist the pull. I know, how about this:

I am The One Percent.

And damn proud of it.

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