'The true Soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because He loves what is behind him.' -G. K. Chesterton

30 May 2013

Bug Hunt

1430 hours. It's a dreary outpost on the planet Sixtopolis. We're at the verge of human controlled space and charged with keeping an eye out for humanities enemies. Unfortunately we've hit the mother lode if you will.

We've been invaded by an enemy force. Exoskeletal, large legged, possessed of a huge head and bulbous eyes. They are a vicious and ravenous species who know neither civility nor mercy.

It's no good waiting. Waiting is good for them, bad for us. We needed to take the fight to those damn murderous Orthopteras. I put my best man on it. "Just another Bug Hunt huh boss? I'm on it."

He's young and raw. Just out of the Academy but he's a hardcore killer. If Private Angus couldn't get it done then we were all in deep kimshi. As good as dead. Up the river without a paddle. In serious trouble is the idea I'm trying to get across here."Go get 'em Private." Morale is my job.

He picked up the scent almost immediately. He has a nose for trouble. Sometimes it even finds someone other than himself but that's another tale for another day. Today we're hunting bugs.

And the hunt was on.

The bugs are wily and secretive. They tend to attack in packs, ambushing unwary patrols and slaughtering it down to the last man. Pvt. Angus was on his toes, head on a swivel and ready to rock and roll at all times.

"Aaiiee!! I saw one over there! I think it touched me!"

Suddenly he was off like a shot, taking the fight to the enemy. It was an epic charge worthy of the Light Brigade. Or at least the Chihuahua Brigade. "Come back you fool!" I yelled but to no avail. Poor, brave bastard. Luckily the forces of evil scattered at the approach of his Chattering Teeth of Deadly Death and he was saved from being consumed in a horde of chitinous nibbling.

But we lost them in the dark and heavy fog. I had to settle the big fella down and get him back on track. He's a loose cannon but he's our loose cannon and when you're facing down the Hordes of Hell there's no better man...er, dog to have at your side.

Of course even the hardest charging soldier occasionally needs a break to take care of some urgent business.

In no time at all he was back in business (No pun intended), drawing ever nearer to enemies lines. We all knew that when contact was initiated all hell was going to break loose. Hey, that's just what we do. We're soldiers and Earth's last line of defense. Or maybe first. I sometimes get confused when I've missed my nap. Totally awesome, killer, high speed low drag naps of course. We were ready.

CONTACT!!! The enemy was found and pinned down. Intense, no mercy, all or nothing, Lord of the Rings style Battle was joined.

Combat was fierce but fortunately brief.  The enemy was routed and killed in vast numbers. The field was littered with their hideous corpses, their brown fluids staining the grass. The stink was great. And by great I of course mean pretty darn stinky.

Private Angus was magnificent. He waded into the battle with virtually no thought for his own safety. Probably with no thoughts at all but hey, that's what cannon fodder means. At the end he even managed to capture one of them. I'm pretty sure it was at least a General. Maybe even a Field Marshall. Private Angus handled the interrogation himself.

"Speak you vile, twisted crustacean from another world! Where is your headquarters? Take me to your leader!"

"Won't speak eh? Maybe a little slobber therapy is in order here. If this won't loosen your tongue I have other ways to make you talk! Hehhehheh!"

I went to check on his progress. "Private Angus Report! How goes the interrogation? Getting any good information from our little green friend?"

"He refused to divulge any information Sir. So I had to eat him"

"You ate him?!? Bad Private, no biscuit!"

"Right Boss. I'll be over here having a nap. If you need me just whistle. You do know how to whistle don't you Boss?"

I should have promoted Private Angus to at least Corporal for his bravery in battle but eating the prisoner demanded a demotion to stockboy. I called it a wash and we went inside for dinner.

So the fight is over and an uneasy peace reigns o'er the land. For now. We know they'll be back but we're ready. This battle has been won but the enemy is devious and has the advantage of numbers.

But no worries, Private Angus is on the job.

It's quiet out there. maybe too quiet....



Brighid said...

ROFL Your an Awesome Commander! Kudos to Angus as well. Spit...

Monkeywrangler said...

Man, Six, you shoulda put a Keyboard Alert on this one! I almost lost my coffee over it!

Angus and our Shiloh would be great together--her thing (besides attacking the Evil Killer Bunnies from Outer Hades) is excavating and then torturing, and eating, eh I mean interrogating the June Bug Grubs she finds!


PS: Give Angus a Greenie Chew--maybe it'll get rid of the bug-breath!

Keads said...

LOL! Excellent report.

Rev. Paul said...

What a great AAR - thanks for the smiles!

Anonymous said...

My dogs AND all the barn cats eat lots of hoppers (the Corgi eats ANYTHING six- or eight-legged)! Unfortunately, too many give the dogs the squirts, so I have to weigh the lesser of the two evils before deploying the troops, ha! Thanks for the report!

Six said...

Thanks Brighid!

I think we should Vic. Can you imagine the carnage? They'd be unstoppable! We tried a DentaStix but it was to no avail.

Thanks Keads!

Thank you Rev. BTW, I want to send you an e-mail and beg for some advice if you're of a mind.

Angus too Deb. It takes him about a day to get them all through his system. Hopefully the invasion is winding down. Otherwise I may have to resort to frying the little buggers!

The DO said...

Heh, I read this out loud to the kids and they laughed and laughed. Especially at the stinky part:) A good fart joke goes far, and this was close enough!

Six said...

If I can make the kids laugh then my job is done!

Anonymous said...

I posted this in Baen's Bar with your link. I bet they get a kick outta it.



RabidAlien said...

Heh. They make some great fart apps for whatever flavor smartypants phone you have...been entertaining the wife and kidlet with one this evening. I've also discovered the actual scientific name for my favored "tune" (its "Fart on the Beach", for those who were wondering).

Angus rocks!

God, Gals, Guns, Grub said...

I think our mutt went through basic training with your Angus before she shipped out to us...

Dann in Ohio

Brigid said...

Hip Hip Hooray for Private Angus!!

Six said...

Thanks Leaperman!!

That sounds like more fun than a barrel of monkeys RabidAlien. My phone does two things; loses it's signal whenever I really need to call someone and eat batteries!

I think it was a large graduating class Dann. Lucky for us :)

Thanks Brigid!

Old NFO said...

That was hilarious, and the pics just added to it! :-)

Six said...

Thanks NFO!

Murphy's Law said...

LOLOL! Go, Angus! Go, Angus!

It's like watching Murphy chase carpenter bees back and forth across the deck, only Murphy can't seem to snap them out of the air no matter how he tries.

Six said...

Angus likes to pounce on them and grab them off the ground. Ambush 'em and kill everyone is his motto! It's kinds like me and birds. If it's on the ground it's dead. If it's flying it's perfectly safe :)