'The true Soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because He loves what is behind him.' -G. K. Chesterton

10 May 2013

Bald Head Care - Or Why I DO NOT Need A Keeper

I'm bald. I am a bald man. I suffer from the heartbreak of male pattern baldness. I have no hair if you're not getting the gist here. I'm Ok with it. I can stick my head out a car window with nary a muss. A washrag is my comb. My 'hair product' consists of soap and...well just soap I guess. And none of that fru fru stuff either. Man soap like Lava and Lye. Good, take it down to the Hypodermis and make it bleed soap.

Of course there are some drawbacks. In the interest of education for all you who are contemplating male pattern baldness for fun and profit yourself I present my Guide To Hairless Head Safety.

First off you'll need to choose the manner in which you render your scalp hirsuteless. Yeah, you can go down to the local barbershop (not a salon mind you, those people are completely humorless about hairlessness) and spend hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars rendering your noggin smooth as a baby's posterior but why bother when you can easily accomplish the same thing from the comfort of your very own home and at a fraction of the cost.

There is a wide variety of razor choices out there. I recommend doing your homework. After you're done with that you can go ahead and pick out a razor. Hey, education is everything right? Here are the only choices available based on my exhaustive and thorough research consisting of seeing what I had in the house and taking pictures of them.

No. Absolutely not. These are weapons of mass destruction used only by deranged barbers who also dabble in bleeding as a cure for Lanchonophobia. Many an ear or other head protrusion has fallen victim to these implements of horror. Plus your wife may decide to 'help' you with your shave using one of these whilst harboring resentment because you still haven't taken out the garbage. Not a goof idea.

Better but still has some drawbacks. Primarily it takes off hair like a politician listens to his constituents, which is to say not at all. If the hair is longer than .0005 centimeters (.0000725 hectares) you might as well just shout at it for all the good an electric shaver will do. It is a good time waster though if you're trying to avoid an odious chose. Like taking out the garbage.

Correct. A modern safety razor. Mine only has three blades and I think the newest ones have about seventeen but even a measly three blades will do the job nicely and more importantly do so while leaving the maximum levels of skin still attached to your skull. Always a good thing.

Ok, we have the proper instrument for reducing our pumpkin to Michael Jordan levels of hair containment. Now what? Well of course shaving your head. That's obvious but way too boring to write about in detail here. I'm a busy guy and I can't just go around talking about the mechanics of head shaving for whole paragraphs and stuff. I've got beer in the fridge and it certainly won't drink itself. So, let's take the shaving bit as done and move on shall we?

Head care. Now we're getting to the meat of the issue. See, your head is less like this

And more like this

Eggs are surprisingly hard and durable. Unless struck with something harder and more durable like a hammer of course but that goes without saying. No, your melon is more like an Orange. Roundish with bumps and crevices and all sorts of delicate bits. It will also not respond well to a hammer but, unlike an egg, it also won't respond well to sharp things as we shall see shortly. Keep this in mind. There will be a test at the end of this post. Oranges not Eggs.

Once your head is deprived of it's natural and beautiful covering of fur like substances you must take special care to avoid certain commonly occurring situations and objects. Like the Sun. I recommend a good sunscreen with a minimum SPF of 5000. For a newly shorn cabeza 45 just isn't going to do it. If you can't find SPF in the thousand range I recommend multiple applications of whatever you can find in your medicine cabinet. Maybe a hundred or so layers but experimentation will help you here. Remember, if it won't protect against Uranium 235 you probably need another coat or two. Actually, automotive paint wouldn't be too much. A good Spackle knife will work wonders here.

Head coverings are crucial. I know, you just shaved your head and want to show it off in all it's pale, waxy glory but think safety first here. It's far more important to keep the scalp lacerations down to a minimum rather than impressing the ladies with your hard boiled detective routine. Here's my recommendations on protective head wear. Remember, these are just my choices but I think you'll find them pretty much all encompassing and obviously the best due to my just having said so.

Maybe. If you want to look like a complete goober. Fortunately I do so I have these in a variety of shapes, styles and colors. Nothing says 'Hey, I'm excellent potential DNA doner material' to the ladies like one of these bad boys.

My normal, routine, daily wear. I have them in black and blue so dark it looks like black. Hey, variety is the spice of life. Plus they're really hot in the Summer so I've got that going for me. Nothing sexier than head sweat I always say.

You may be asking yourself this question. "I know Six is awesome and knowledgeable and handsome and all but why is he talking about hats? And why am I still reading this drivel anyway? I have better things to do like take out the garbage as my lovely and has no access to sharp things wife asked me to weeks ago." It's a good question and I'll answer it even though it's not yet time for the QandA section. Hats are important to those of us who ascribe to the Alopecia Universalis lifestyle because of things like this.

Low hanging objects, or 'Idiot Detection Devices', are a constant hazard to the less hirsute. Especially those of us who suffer from Moronic Melonitus Conkus Syndrome which causes us to incessantly bang into things we have seen approximately 10 billion times before and which any 5 year old could avoid with ease. Through no fault of our own I'd add. I'd like that on the record here because at this point some of you may be considering the idea that I might need a full time keeper. I don't, I just need a larger cranial capacity. And a good football helmet. But I digress, we were talking about hats here. Why hats? Why indeed.
Honestly, I have absolutely no idea.

I hope anyone considering head shaving as a substitute for toupees, combovers, hair transplants and wearing a dead cat on your head have found this missive useful. I support you completely and can definitely testify to the benefits of going topless, as it were. If you're one of those who is cursed with a full head of thick, luxuriant, beautiful hair I can only convey my envy condolences.

I hate you. Uh, I mean love. Right, that's it. I love you in that whole wishing for incontinent pigeons to fly over you daily way.

As for me. I am comforted by this thought. If I'd have known him Telly Savalas would have been my best friend. I swear.



Sarge said...

A man that goes bald in the front is a thinker. A man that goes bald in the back is a lover. A man that goes bald in both front and back, thinks he's a lover.

Brighid said...

Can I just say ouch and... FDC

Monkeywrangler said...

I will say it took a little getting used to when DH shaved his head, but now it seems normal. He sort of alternates between the smooth and the nubby velcro texture...


Six said...

I love that Pop. I am so going to steal it!

At least the only thing injured was something I hardly ever use anyway Brighid!

You are a woman of exquisite taste in men MW :) I also tend to swing between those two states of hairness. Mostly because I'm kinda lazy!

The DO said...

You might as well shout at it. Classic. Don't forget to use your angry voice:)

NavyOne said...

I love the straight razor. Near Marine bases you can get a great haircut with it. (Very funny about the orange too!)

Paladin said...

I can't look at a straight razor withouth thinking about Sweeney Todd :)

I'm still hanging in there in the hair department - although I do have a bare patch that has opened up at the crown of my noggin.

Funny, that. I'm loosing hair there, but its sprouting in every where else on my body instead :)

Old NFO said...

Good one Six, and those 'scars' just prove you're "experienced" in life... (and forgot to duck a few times)... And bald IS much better than the infamous comb over in the wind!!! :-D

Brigid said...

If you can make friends with someone at NASA and get a hold of a few of those tiles they use on the Space Shuttle for re-entry, might make a dandy hat when you don't have SPF5000.

Dad went quite bald in his early 20s. Flaming red hair to sunburned head in only a few years, He wore it proudly, but it did explain why our favorite branch to climb up into the apple tree was cut down before its time as it was pretty much right at head level when ducking under with the lawnmower.

Please give Lu my best for Mother's Day.

Blue said...

You made me laugh so hard that I cried.

My younger brother, who has very little hair, is fond of telling anyone who will listen that "God only made a few perfect heads. The rest he covered with hair."

God, Gals, Guns, Grub said...

It that what they call a low altitude warning device? Hair loss is not a problem in my old age... it seems to be growing just fine... especially where it shouldn't...

Dann in Ohio

OldAFSarge said...

Another gem Six!

instinct said...

That reminds me, I need a haircut :D