Uniforms

I'm going to get some hate mail for this one but let me start this by saying It Doesn't Apply To Evryone. Ok? Sheesh.


I have a motorcycle. It's a 1997 Kawasaki Concours, what's commonly known as a sport touring motorcycle. A sensible, mature motorcycle for a sensible, mature man.

I bought it used a couple of years ago with 4000 miles on the clock for $2800.00. Great bike and a killer deal. I love the thing. Smooth, powerful, comfortable and handles very well.

I've got some friends (don't snicker, I've got friends) who also ride. They, almost exclusively ride Harleys. Now, I've got nothing against Harleys, except maybe the price.

And the uniform.

Here's the thing. Harley riders tend to wear essentially the same thing with some (minor) variations. Black leather jackets/vests or sleeveless denim vests. The smallest helmet the law will allow, also black in color. Jeans with black leather chaps. (What's with that by the way? The only place you can see more assless chaps than a Harley fest is at a leather bar in San Francisco. Not that I'd know. I heard is all). Fingerless gloves, black. Black leather boots. Maybe the eye catching face protector that looks like a skull. And facial hair, can't forget the scraggly mustaches and goatees as well as the Grizzly Adams beards. Typical, especially on the chicks. And don't even get me started on the exhaust pipes.

The jackets usually have something stitched to the back. HOG. PIG. Fat Bastard. Bad Ass Outlaw Motorcycles From Hell or Reasonable Nearby Therein, etc. (Insert name of your club here).

Anyway.

Hey guys, I've got some bad news for you. It's called a uniform. When everyone dresses alike and looks alike it's called being 'uniform'. "Oh look honey, it's a fat guy with a stringy goatee wearing all black with a helmet that wouldn't protect a pinheaded squirrel perched on his size 8 3/4 melon riding on a Harley Davidson painted black and decorated with 3000 grinning and smoking skulls that can be heard on the Moon. Isn't he cool? Isn't he unique?"

It's ok though. I get the whole being surrounded by people who look and act just like you. Really, I do. It's just that it doesn't go with the whole loner/biker/outlaw image thing, ya know?

You want to be different, unique, a real outlaw?

Wear something pink. Buy a chartreuse jacket trimmed in vermilion with white Naugahyde boots and a full face helmet painted dayglo green. Instead of skulls, decorate your motorcycle (Scooter or Scoot in uniform outlawese. They even talk alike) with a painting of your favorite poet. How about some colorful balloons or maybe a giraffe? Come on, be creative.

Oh, and before you sport bike guys start chortling and touching each other. You're no better. You're 19 years old (or 45), just got your license and your parents (your wife) bought you the latest go fast racer replica that tops out at 175 mph. It's painted like an classic impressionist took a shit on it, you're wearing a helmet sporting an orange mohawk and a clown face and your ass is clad in a 1500 dollar one piece leather riding suit that Kenny Roberts would ejaculate over. Your motorcycle has a header and set of pipes that cost you nearly the value of the bike they're barely bolted to and sound like 1500 cats trapped in a sack. You're a squid. Admit it and get help. I think there's a 12 step program.

I on the other hand am a mature, experienced rider with thousands of hours in the saddle (dammit, now I'm doing it!). I ride a motorcycle that I can take down to the pharmacy for my Viagra...er, steroids (yeah, that's the ticket) or across the country. I wear a tasteful black and red leather jacket that I paid $99.99 for. My full face helmet is plain black. My boots are brown. My full finger gloves are black and silver. I wear faded jeans. My motorcycle is a sensible green.

I am creatively uncreative. I am different by being ordinary. I am the true bad ass outlaw. No one else rides what I ride or dresses like I dress. Plain. Ordinary. Usual. Expected. Ah, True Uniqueness.

I am wanted and desired by women and envied by men. It's true I swear. Just ask me.

You should immediately stop wearing your uniform and riding your 'everyone has one' Harley or 'too fast for your stoopid ass' crotch rocket. You should endeavor to be just like me. Wear what I wear and ride what I ride.

Hey. We could start a club and snub riders not like us and refuse to wave at them when we ride by and be all cool and bitchin' and rad and outlaw and stuff. Maybe a neato patch our wives could sew on the back of our jackets. I kinda like the sound of "The Bland Ones". Oh yeah.

That'd be so cool. I hear Payless is having a sale on brown boots.

Six

Update: Go read Sheri's take on this topic. It's chock full of LOL goodness. I have got to go for a ride with her if only to see her 'cut a bitch' face.