'The true Soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because He loves what is behind him.' -G. K. Chesterton

14 January 2014

Spam Fans

Like most of you who also blog I get my fair share of spam. Most of it is dreck but there are the occasional nuggets. And the love. I mean, really!

Let me clear up a few administrative matters first.

I do not speak nor read any of the Asian languages. I know, shame on me but there it is. What you gonna do amiright? I speak some Spanglish, enough to get by and know when someone is talking bad about my momma but that's about it. I appreciate the hits and all but really, you're kinda wasting your time. I apologize to my Asian readers but I tend to hit delete as soon as I see these comments. If anyone wants to wade through the prodigious amounts I'm getting please let me know. I suspect they're for penis enlargement devices. Speaking of which..

I really don't want any penis enlargement devices, breakthrough remedies, advice or, Lord help me, exercises. I mean, I'm not even entirely sure what that would entail beyond something obvious and distasteful. If my wife ever caught me doing such I'm quite sure her total and complete respect and admiration for me would go down a few notches. Not really worth it so far as I can determine. Besides, she assures me I am more than adequate in that specific department and she's never lied to me before. So I'm content to let sleeping dogs lie. As it were.

No, I don't want to buy your "Cheap, almost free even, no prescription needed we swear would we lie to you?" drugs. Especially the peepee ones (see above). Aspirin or the occasional anti inflammatory seem to be working out well for me and so far, knock wood (mmphffle!), I'm doing Ok in the 'other' department. I'm not even entirely certain a lot of that stuff is legal to be sending me through the mail and I really, really do not want to find out the hard way. Heh heh. The hard way. I kill me again. I'm way too pretty for prison (if you know what I mean and I think you do). I'm sure the meth is first rate and totally not cut with Baboon poop and Lemming urine but I'm just gonna have to go with No on this one. We can still be friends though. Right?

Now that that's out of the way.

I also get the odd comment containing the highest of praises, admiration and just general love and kudos from some obviously adoring fans. I mean, of course! I am a much beloved blogger after all and like any good high powered celebrity I'd be remiss if I failed to respond to each of them. (These are verbatim BTW):

Hi thеre, I found уour web site by meanѕ of Google whilst sesarсhing forr a comparable mattеr, your website got here up, it seems to be good. I have bookmarked itt in my google bookmarks. Hi there, simply changed іnto alert to your blog via Google, and locateed that it is really infοrmative. I am gonna wωаtch out for brussels. I'll be grateful if you happen to procеed this in future. Lotѕ of οtheг folks ωill likely bе benefited from your writing. Cheers! On Michael's Belts

I am so glad you found me whilst sesarching? I'm not really sure what that means but I'm certain it's quite awesome and all. Something about sailing perhaps? I must protest though as my website never once "got here up". I am quite sure it doesn't even know how to do that and if it does I don't want to know. I'm glad you think it seems to be good and are wwatching out for brussels, both the Belgians and the vegetables I presume. They're a sneaky bunch alright. If it ain't delicious chocolate it's gas, am I right? Your gratitude is heart warming but totally not necessary. I do accept donations though. Say, small, unmarked bills? I'll send you my bank account information soonest though you may have to have a discussion with a certain Nigerian barrister. He has first dibs.  I will most definitely proceed this in the future and I'll pass along your admiration to Michael. I know he'll be thrilled. And Cheers right back at ya! (Also, I don't know if you realize it or not but you said Hi there twice. The NSA considers that a Fox Pause and Terrorist Related probable cause for a ten fingered cavity search. Word to the wise)

see natural event!pain With Online mercantilism turn cyberspace selling miscarry. Be convenient. motion-picture show a prominent put up on the net. await done some of these borders present feel peachy in whites and greys as symptomless. favourable experts severalize and that you may fair end up frailness currency on Michael Kors Handbags Outlet it is prodigious that your contest is in focal point but obscure the prospect purpose be practically fewer emphatic and shy of what you take in to be successful. If your relieve oneself-up is not all stores all respectable. Do writer problem solving prior to constituent a influence online. Check tat you on Sunday Kipling.

Always good to see another Kipling fan out there though I'm not quite sure how to respond to this. Did you need some online, prescriptionless drugs? Perchance the ones devoted to the downstairs department? Because if you do I know just the guy. Totally legit. I swear. I'm afraid I don't have a contact for Thorazine at the moment but don't despair. I'm sure one will turn up any minute. Check tat with me later. I do in fact feel quite peachy in whites and greys though I don't think they're in fact symptomless. My wife gets queasy seeing me in them. It may very well be constituent a influence online but I can't be completely certain at this point. Thank you for your letter though I feel that I must point out that telling me that "it is prodigious that your contest is in focal point but obscure the prospect purpose be practically fewer emphatic and shy of what you take in to be successful" is quite unnecessary. Everyone knows that.

Fіne way of describing, aand fastridiоus post to get facts concerning my pгesentation subject matter, which i aam going to present in schоol. On Bald Head Care

Thank you. If I'm anything it's fastridious and I'm glad to see I'm finally getting the recognition I deserve for that. I'm not quite sure why you'd want to psesent a study of Bald Head Care at school but best of luck with that. What school does one attend for such a course of Study? Harvard? Yale? Bud's School Of Maimery and English Composition perchance? Whichever, I'm quite certain you'll get an A with such subject matter at your disposal. No. No need to thank me, I'm just proud to be a part of such a fine undertaking.

To all my wonderful and supportive Spam Fans out there know that I deeply appreciate the time you took out of your busy day shaving goats, fleecing grandmas, evicting family members and stealing from orphans to write your missives of love and devotion to me. I am humbled by your attention and promise to treat each and every message you send me with all the care and respect they deserve. I know I didn't get to every one of your oh so precious comments but never fear, I have them all archived and I will get to them. Each and every one. Pinkie swears!

Keep 'em coming kids!

Grand Poobah, Presidente For Life and Great On High Commander of the Golden Spam Fan Horde
Viva La Spama Revolucion!


Keads said...

Lucky dude! No spammers in large numbers have latched on to me. Carry on!

Six said...

I'll send a few your way Keads, They're sooo cute.

Lee from La said...

I get several from overseas kings wanting to hide money in my account. I've won the UK lottery no telling how many times. And some Philipino gal can scarcely control herself wanting to send me untold amounts of money. Last but not least, I get one every now and then from a FBI agent telling me I have a package at customs.
Hell Yeah

Six said...

Yikes Lee. That last one is a new one on me and more than a little frightening.

Rev. Paul said...

I've stopped getting spam ... well, 99.9% stopped ... since ponying up the $10/year fee Blogger wants to make my domain name "mine". YMMV.

Monkeywrangler said...

All your base are belong us!

And from a real news story today...

(real news article--not sexspam)

I can see the future spam now..."Love her looongtime! 7 week long!" "Buy your "special" crossbar now!"

All I can say, is OUCH!

Six said...

And miss out on all this fun Rev.?
10 dollars you say (dialing up Blogger customer service). I don't know, Sergei will be so disappointed!

Exactly MW!

Um...I'm gonna have to pass on that one. A great ad for recumbents though!

Old NFO said...

100+ of these asshats a day... At least you're not getting them in Kanji! :-)

Six said...

It's the ones in alien script that worry me NFO. I'm just hoping they're not an invitation to a probing!!

Jennifer said...

Awesome! Your post prompted me to check my own spam catcher and HOLY SMOKES! There be aliens in there.

Six said...

Ha! Knew it Jennifer. Probably got the probulators all warmed up and everything. You warn the big guy and I'll go for the tin foil!!

Evyl Robot Michael said...

I was glad to see that I got mentioned here. ;)